The countdown: 3 days!

Today is another last. A leaves tomorrow, following his presentation to his lab. He's stressing out about this WAYYYYYYYYY too much. I gave my presentation yesterday and my whole lab was really supportive. They asked some good questions and we talked about how much stuff I've accomplished. It actually was a lot of fun. I got nervous, but at the same time, no one knows more about what I did than me. (except maybe BC, but she wasn't there)

This weekend was a little crazy. Friday night we went to Molly's for R's last night in Hanover, then we just hung out for a couple hours. I slept ALL day on Saturday. And when I say all day, I mean it. I literally got up in time to say goodbye to R, tell O that I didn't want to go to lunch and I slept until 6pm. Then I got up for dinner with everyone. We went back to Mollys because Murphy's was really busy. We sat in Mollys for FOREVER. It was really nice. I'd intended on working on my paper when I got back, but instead I went to bed. I got up pretty early Sunday morning and I worked a bit on my paper. Lunch was at Molly's at 1 with AB, A and O. After that, I walked into lab and worked for 6 hours on my paper. I finally finished my roughest of rough drafts around 1am and went to bed.

I didn't do much on Monday. I presented at lab meeting. I set up another lysis/PCR. I worked almost all day on finishing up my paper. My rough draft in its entirety was finished last night and I sent it to BC. Hopefully she actually checks her e-mail at home and gets back to me before I leave.

Today I've not done much. I ran my gel and am attemping gel extraction. I'm waiting my turn so I can run my product and see if it worked. If yes, then comes sequencing!
Well, I gotta get back to work.

Way Saddddddddddddddddddd.

I love my friends. :-)
I'm not ready to go home yet. :-\

The Internal Fire is Burning Today; A Changing Wind is Upon Me

So I have to admit that I surprise myself sometimes. I don't know when I became an adult. I spent far too much time in the bratty teenage stage, but somehow I managed to slip out of that and into my new role without me noticing. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I impress myself almost daily. I don't know what I did to deserve this opportunity this summer.

"The door to opportunity is always labeled
'push'."
--Anonymous

I know I'm smart, but I never see myself as being better than anyone, or more deserving than others. Sure, I work hard, but there are people who work harder. I see myself as average. Of course I'm unique and special, but at the same time I'm just a normal person who isn't sure where the road is going.

"God has entrusted me with myself."
--Epictetus

When did I screw my head on my shoulders and learn how to stand up for what I believe in? When did I find my identity? I still battle with who I am on a daily basis, but sometimes I see hints of my true self and I recognize them as me.

“If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.”
--Malcolm X

I'm afraid of growing up. It's easy to be the same and not take new responsibilities. But that's not why I'm here. I've not been given this life to treat it as if it's fragile. I'm supposed to push the limits. I'm supposed to do things that are hard. How can the world change if people who are afraid just hide from responsibilities and opportunities?

"The act of acting morally is behaving as if everything we do
matters."

--Gloria Steinem

Each day is a new day, a new opportunity for me to stretch myself. A new chance for me to grow as a human being. I don't want to take anything for granted. I've been given a life to live and live it I shall.

"Fill your mind with the meaningless stimuli of a world
preoccupied with meaningless things, and it will not be easy to feel peace in
your heart."

--Marianne Williamson

My time in New Hampshire is coming to a close. I'm working on my final project....the dreaded end of summer report. I don't want to write it, but I want to write it. I want to have something that I can put my name on and say "Look what I did with myself!" I want something that Barbara can have and I want to do something she can be proud of. I want to grow and I want to take that step into the world of adulthood.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom."
--Anais Nin

I struggle with this. Daily. I don't know how to grow up, but I also can't fight change. I like what is safe. Everyone does. No one likes to be put out of their comfort zone. But life is an adventure. And as my mom used to say, it's not the destination that matters, it's the getting there.

"As long as habit and routine dictate the pattern of living, new dimensions of
the soul will not emerge."
--Henry van Dyke

I know that some of my worries are pointless, but I can't help but stress out. I'm so afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being insignificant and not helping to change the world for the better. I don't want to be famous, I just want to make a difference. It's so difficult to walk away from these fears; I clutch them like my security blanket. It's easy not to fail if you don't try. But this has never been me. I can't do nothing just because I might fail.

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the
ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

--Mother Teresa

There are so many people that I want to make proud of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone. People tell me that if I try to please everyone that I'll never make me happy, and I've decided that that just isn't so. The people that matter most to me just want me to be happy. And so I make them happy by being happy. And knowing that I can make people happy makes me smile.

"Happiness is spiritual, born of Truth and Love. It is
unselfish; therefore it cannot exist alone, but requires all mankind to share
it."

--Mary Baker Eddy

I don't know what has got me so emotional these past few weeks. I don't know if it's the stress of work. The sinking feeling of homesickness I've been struggling with off and on all summer. The fact that I've been saying goodbye to new friends nearly every day this week. The realization that something about me wasn't good enough to make a relationship with me worthwhile. The constant battles between friends here in New Hampshire. The lack of sleep. The fact that I haven't been hugged since the fierce one I got as I stepped into the Pittsburgh Airport on my way to a new world. Missing nutrients. Or just the knowledge that I'm about to start my last year of my undergraduate degree, which means that an important portion of my life is about to come to a close and I have some hard decisions to make in the next year. It's probably all of these things. Each one a war of its own.

"You may feel like dwelling on your limits or your fears.
Don't do it. A perfect prescription for a squandered, unfulfilled life is to
accommodate self-defeating feelings while undercutting your finest, most
productive ones."

--Marsha Sinetar

I'm looking hard for guidance. Everyone has something to offer me and I'm greedy. I want someone to tell me what to do. I can ask God what it is He wants from me, but I'll never know enough. I want reassurance and I can't have it. Instead, I have to make due with what I have and continue down my road, knowing I'll have all the tools I need to get where I'm going.

"Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises
against--not with--the wind."

--Hamilton Mabie

I'm stronger than I thought. There's a bumpersticker on facebook that I just love. I'm sure it's a quote from someone, but I'm not sure who. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. I found me. somewhere. And this girl, she's a fighter. I think I like her. :D

"Believing in fate produces fate. Believing in freedom will
create infinite possibilities."

--Ayn Rand

So I'm down to a week in Hanover and I'm terribly sad. I've had to say goodbye to several great friends. C's last night was Wednesday and tonight is R's last night. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Goodbyes are always hard.

"The beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are
untidy."

--John Galsworthy

So I am an adult. I've always suspected this, but after yesterday. After today. I know it's the truth. And I'm going to start tomorrow afresh. Tomorrow I'm going to do something different to change the world. Perhaps it's just by truly living, or smiling at a stranger, or being a shoulder to cry on, but I will be there to do it. :)

"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world
made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my
life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good
as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this
day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity."

--Dan Custer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never dried all at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."

--John Muir

A Day for Tears and Anger

Something about today makes me very happy, and incredibly sad at the same time. B goes home today. She's on the Dartmouth Coach headed for Boston and her flight leaves for Boise at 5ish. I had a great day yesterday. I've had a fantastic week actually.
The weekend was mostly good. There were a few things that made it less than fabulous, but overall it was decent. The girls all went to NYC and didn't invite me. I was really crushed at first, but I realize that they did me a favor. I didn't have to spend money! So Friday night I spent the evening bonding with the roommate. N's friend came down to visit and we went to Applebees for dinner. C and O came too. It was a quite enjoyable dinner. Afterwards we went to Ice Cream Fore You: the greatest place EVER!! We took Ben to tour the labs and then we came back to hang out for a bit. I went to bed late and got up late. It was fabulous.
Saturday was a great day. The boys took the GRE in the morning. I met them for lunch around 2. We went to Murphy's for lunch. Unfortunately, my meds have been making me nauseous, so I didn't eat much of my lunch. After that I came back to the room and watched more Buffy. I'm so ridiculously obsessed. N got back from her date with K just in time for us all to pile into A's and N's cars and head to AB's for a nice BBQ. She made us all such great food. Chips and dip, lots of fruit, shrimp, stuffed burgers and chicken for everyone else, cheese veggie burger for me. homemade ice cream pie. oh my word. the food was soooooo good. AB is amazing. We had a lot of fun chatting, and we played a few games of croquet. I love that game and now I want a set of my own. A is so good, but I am almost as good as him. He doesn't like that very much. Actually, he likes to be best at everything. He reminds me of Eric a little. He makes me laugh for that very reason though. When I first saw him after the GRE, the first thing he said to me was "you win. I concede." What a nerd. During the game, he decided that I am the Queen. *snort* As if. I just work hard and efficiently. And it's not a competition, but he doesn't seem to get that. :) I have to admit, I kind of like being best. Of course, I am always doing my best, I don't do it because I like being best. After we got back from AB's, a few of us got ready to go out. We went all over Hanover trying to find a place that would take us....C's friend didn't have an ID. Who drives all the way from New York without his driver's license? Apparently this guy. So we played cards in the basement of Mid-Mass for a few hours until I got seriously tired of testosterone.
Sunday was a fabulous day. I got up late and got dressed and everything for a day of fun. AB picked up a bunch of us and we went to Gile Mountain and hiked up it. It wasn't a long trail, but my chest congestion kept me wheezing the whole way. :( But we got to the top and I climbed this HUGE fire watchtower and took pictures of the surrounding mountains. It was super cool. Then we all hiked down the moutain and AB took us canoeing and we grounded our canoe and went swimming for a bit. It was a great day and I had a lot of fun.
Monday came way too soon. I went to work and came home from work and watched Buffy until it was time for Secret Life of the American Teenager. N and I commandeered the tv downstairs to watch it. Then I came back up and went to bed.
Yesterday was pretty hectic. I went lab, but I didn't really do anything. We had our final poster session at the end of the day. I got all dressed up and set up my poster. Everyone from my lab came. They're all such great people. I'm really *really* going to miss them. Actually, if I think about it any longer, I might cry. I talked to quite a few people that I hadn't met before. I actually presented to the head of the Genetics department, but I didn't know it was him until afterwards. I'm glad, because he's supposed tobe a scary man. Actually, he told me I did a nice job, and once I realized who he was, I decided that that was a compliment. :)
Our whole group, plus George and Eric and Sandy went out to dinner at the Norwich Inn. It was a really really cute place and the food was decent. I'm still not feeling so great, so I sort of picked at my food. The company was great though. We sat at dinner for THREE hours. It was a lot of fun. Afterwards, since it was B's last night, we went to 5 Olde to celebrate our last night together. It was a lot of fun. It was cheap rib night, so the bar was crowded. Actually, B got hit on by a drunk thru-hiker. Gotta love those Appalachain trail people. They're quite a group. We chatted with this other hiker and her kids. They've got 1700 miles and have 400 to go. I can't believe she pulled her kids out of school for a year to hike the trail. That's crazy.
Today I got a bunch of stuff done in lab. Perhaps I'll write about it later, but now it's time for me to go out with everyone again to celebrate C's last night. I'm not enjoying this period of goodbyes at all. Seriously, I might cry. I had to say goodbye to S today too....he's going on vacation. Lucky duck.
Anyhoo, I'll write again soon.

Just two weeks now. Almost time for me to come home!!!

Another day at the salt mines.
haha. makes me want sing.

Another day, another destiny.
This never ending road to Calvary.
...One. Day. More....

*snicker*
So I made it though another day. barely. I woke up and felt just fine. By lunch I was absolutely miserable. Stuffed up nose, sinus headache, upset stomach, nausea, heavy chest, labored breathing. rawr. it was super yucky. After lunch and another dose of meds and I felt pretty fine.
I wasted 3 hours of my morning being stupid. I did manage to set up my gel and run it, though I forgot that I needed to do it, so I didn't start right away. I got one of four samples to work! Hooray! Almost needless to say, the purification was a dismal failure. So I set the reaction up again. Lysis. PCR. Tomorrow I'll run the gel, then Stephane is gonna help me with the purification. BC is gone. She's done helping me out. She's being induced tomorrow. I can't wait to see her little boy. :-) It's a real shame that she's not going to see me through my last two weeks. Not much anyone can do about that though.
So I survived today. Got home around 7 and have spent most of the evening in bed watching Buffy. Just one more episode until I finish the second season. Then on to the third. It's really weird. I watched Angel first. So I know how the whole Buffy-Angel thing pans out. I don't like the scenes when they're together and I hate the scenes where Angel is the bad guy. I just wish that someone would find that stupid disc with the translation of the ritutal to give Angel his soul back. I like him better when he's got some sense of humanity. Also, I don't like David Boreanaz to be the bad guy. He's Booth for crying out loud. Plus, when he's nice, I think he totally wins over other Vamps. Team Edward? heck no! I'm Team Angel!! for sure.
Well, it's getting on that time. I need to head to bed to see if I can get some sleep so that my body can put itself right piece by piece. Go B cells! Go T cells! rah rah rah! dang, should have been a cheerleader...I would have kicked some major butt. *snicker*.
Another update soon...maybe this weekend if I can find a free second. It's gonna be pretty busy, and I'm pretty excited. :)

I've got a dreadful cough, sore throat, fever and a sinus headache; "mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!"

Wednesday. Halfway through another week. Thankfully.
Somehow I've managed to get a cold in the middle of August. How? Beats me. I've been trying to get enough sleep and to eat as well as I can, but that hasn't seemed to keep me from getting ill.
Clearly I haven't been feeling well at all this week. Monday I was sluggish and yesterday I had a major migraine.
Sunday was super fun. AB and her friend Jared took me and O and C to a Manchester Fisher Cats game. We tailgated and then watched the game. They lost, but it was still a lot of fun. I enjoyed it greatly. The only problem about the whole day was that the car was not big enough for me and two big boys to be sitting in the backseat.
Monday, I set up my sequencing reaction and BC and I had all of my samples sent out to be sequenced. 7 samples, $42. yowzers. I wonder how much money BC has spent on my research. I feel bad that nothing has really come of it so far. Lab meeting was pretty short. We went around the table and discussed everyone's research. After that I did some paper hunting and started thinking about my presentation for journal club.
Tuesday was even more uneventful. I felt awful, but I still came into work. I set up another cross for my male mutant. He'd better start having more of those boy instincts of I'm going to be one very unhappy researcher. I chunked out a few of my old plates and spent most of the afternoon working on my journal club presentation. Class went smoothly. I presented my figure, fielded some questions and then came home to put my migraine to bed.
Today was a somewhat better day. Mentally, I was all clear. Physically, I felt like garbage. I had this disgusting deep cough for the early part of the day then the rest of the day, my chest just killed. yucky yucky yuck. First thing in the morning, BC and I went over the sequences I got back on Tuesday. One sequence didn't work out....something wrong with the gel or something. But my other control worked, as did the samples. So I have one mutant strain all set up. My triple mutant. <3 <3 <3 I'm pretty pumped about all that. Now I just have to do some more scoring, though that requires me to be able to look into the microscope for more than 20 minutes at a time. :(
Tonight was our careers dinner. George didn't tell me anything I hadn't already heard, but he certainly made me feel better about the whole process. No panicking. No fear. It was nice.
Tomorrow is BC's last day of work. She's being induced on Friday, which makes me really really excited. I'm really nervous about her being out of the lab though...I only hope that I'm capable of doing all the work on my own. We shall see.
It's time for me to go to bed. I shall update again soon.

It's been a while......

*huge sigh of relief*
The GRE is over. finally. No more GRE class, no more crazy Kaplan lady, no more stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, no more stress for about 36 more hours...then I've got a few projects I need to get started on.
The last two weeks have been crazy busy. Lots of work, lots of class, and tons of studying.
I don't even know where to begin to get caught up.....I got back from the leadership alliance conference with a head full of ideas for graduate school, a desire to start searching and a little bit of terror for the whole process. I have no idea how anyone ever gets into graduate school and succeeds based on the information that I got that weekend....I know they were trying to help, but all they did was scare the bajeezus out of me. I actually had a mini crisis after this weekend trying to determine if I was actually cut out for graduate school. I mean, qualifying exam? public defense? talk about make me want to vomit. As if the entrance interview isn't scary enough. But I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to. Just ask my mom.
So when I got back from the conference I really started pushing hard. I'd work until 5, studying my vocab words at work, working out of my course book after work. I had class 4 days of 5, and that was rough. I actually enjoyed the ethics class though. The weekend was crazy full of studying. I watched some Buffy the Vampire Slayer while studying. Perhaps not the best of study tools, but it was good for relaxing. SURF paid for us to have dinner and see a movie last weekend. We went to see The Hangover. It was the second time that I had seen it and it was probably funnier than the first. First of all, I was in much better company and the girls laughing made me laugh. Dinner at Murphy's was good too. I ate too much and loved it.
This past week I didn't get to watch any Buffy; I had too many things going on. I had my last GRE class on Monday and I am so glad that it over. That class was so painful. The only reason it was beneficial at all is because I got paid to go to all the classes and the other study tools were indespensible. Tuesday was another journal club. Only one left! Unfortunately I haven't found a paper to present yet, and that's not good. I need to ask BC about it tomorrow, otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do on Tuesday.
I've been working long hours this week. Wednesday I worked 9-10 and Thursday I worked 9-7:30ish and I went into the lab today rather than stay late last night. Yesterday, we went to dinner at Molly's to relax before the big day. We stayed out a little too late, but it was fun. I got up this morning bright and early to mentally prepare myself to take the GRE. AB picked me, R and AH up around 8 and we went and kicked that puppy in the butt. I think we're all pleased with our scores; none of us are planning on taking it again. I think I did well, but I certainly don't have any intention of telling anyone how I did. There's certainly no need to compare; I think we all did well. :) :) :) Another 3 students are taking the GRE next weekend...the boys this time (C, A and M)...I think we might be going to AB's afterwards for a cookout. I think it'll be fun. And it'll be nice to relax with everyone before the program winds down. I leave in 3 weeks, but B, the first to leave, leaves in 10 days. It'll be extremely boring once people start leaving. B is leaving early, R is leaving early, C and A are leaving early. I think M and N are leaving a few days early, and I think only AH, O and I will be here until the end. I'm certainly not ready to start thinking about my final paper, though I definitely need to. Yucky yuck.
No one wanted to go to Molly's with me for their famous $2 margarita. Maybe another day. Instead I'm going to celebrate my success today with a bottle of Mike's and just relax for the first time since I started working on my poster *before* the Leadership Alliance conference. I'm gonna either go back to watching Buffy or read some of On The Beach before bed. Tomorrow is another early (ish) day filled with exciting activities and I am absolutely pumped about it all. :)
<3 I love Dartmouth. <3