So I have to admit that I surprise myself sometimes. I don't know when I became an adult. I spent far too much time in the bratty teenage stage, but somehow I managed to slip out of that and into my new role without me noticing. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I impress myself almost daily. I don't know what I did to deserve this opportunity this summer.
"The door to opportunity is always labeled
'push'."
--Anonymous
I know I'm smart, but I never see myself as being better than anyone, or more deserving than others. Sure, I work hard, but there are people who work harder. I see myself as average. Of course I'm unique and special, but at the same time I'm just a normal person who isn't sure where the road is going.
"God has entrusted me with myself."
--Epictetus
When did I screw my head on my shoulders and learn how to stand up for what I believe in? When did I find my identity? I still battle with who I am on a daily basis, but sometimes I see hints of my true self and I recognize them as me.
“If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything.”
--Malcolm X
I'm afraid of growing up. It's easy to be the same and not take new responsibilities. But that's not why I'm here. I've not been given this life to treat it as if it's fragile. I'm supposed to push the limits. I'm supposed to do things that are hard. How can the world change if people who are afraid just hide from responsibilities and opportunities?
"The act of acting morally is behaving as if everything we do
matters."
--Gloria Steinem
Each day is a new day, a new opportunity for me to stretch myself. A new chance for me to grow as a human being. I don't want to take anything for granted. I've been given a life to live and live it I shall.
"Fill your mind with the meaningless stimuli of a world
preoccupied with meaningless things, and it will not be easy to feel peace in
your heart."
--Marianne Williamson
My time in New Hampshire is coming to a close. I'm working on my final project....the dreaded end of summer report. I don't want to write it, but I want to write it. I want to have something that I can put my name on and say "Look what I did with myself!" I want something that Barbara can have and I want to do something she can be proud of. I want to grow and I want to take that step into the world of adulthood.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than
the risk it took to blossom."
--Anais Nin
I struggle with this. Daily. I don't know how to grow up, but I also can't fight change. I like what is safe. Everyone does. No one likes to be put out of their comfort zone. But life is an adventure. And as my mom used to say, it's not the destination that matters, it's the getting there.
"As long as habit and routine dictate the pattern of living, new dimensions of
the soul will not emerge."
--Henry van Dyke
I know that some of my worries are pointless, but I can't help but stress out. I'm so afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being insignificant and not helping to change the world for the better. I don't want to be famous, I just want to make a difference. It's so difficult to walk away from these fears; I clutch them like my security blanket. It's easy not to fail if you don't try. But this has never been me. I can't do nothing just because I might fail.
We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the
ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
--Mother Teresa
There are so many people that I want to make proud of me. I don't want to disappoint anyone. People tell me that if I try to please everyone that I'll never make me happy, and I've decided that that just isn't so. The people that matter most to me just want me to be happy. And so I make them happy by being happy. And knowing that I can make people happy makes me smile.
"Happiness is spiritual, born of Truth and Love. It is
unselfish; therefore it cannot exist alone, but requires all mankind to share
it."
--Mary Baker Eddy
I don't know what has got me so emotional these past few weeks. I don't know if it's the stress of work. The sinking feeling of homesickness I've been struggling with off and on all summer. The fact that I've been saying goodbye to new friends nearly every day this week. The realization that something about me wasn't good enough to make a relationship with me worthwhile. The constant battles between friends here in New Hampshire. The lack of sleep. The fact that I haven't been hugged since the fierce one I got as I stepped into the Pittsburgh Airport on my way to a new world. Missing nutrients. Or just the knowledge that I'm about to start my last year of my undergraduate degree, which means that an important portion of my life is about to come to a close and I have some hard decisions to make in the next year. It's probably all of these things. Each one a war of its own.
"You may feel like dwelling on your limits or your fears.
Don't do it. A perfect prescription for a squandered, unfulfilled life is to
accommodate self-defeating feelings while undercutting your finest, most
productive ones."
--Marsha Sinetar
I'm looking hard for guidance. Everyone has something to offer me and I'm greedy. I want someone to tell me what to do. I can ask God what it is He wants from me, but I'll never know enough. I want reassurance and I can't have it. Instead, I have to make due with what I have and continue down my road, knowing I'll have all the tools I need to get where I'm going.
"Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises
against--not with--the wind."
--Hamilton Mabie
I'm stronger than I thought. There's a bumpersticker on facebook that I just love. I'm sure it's a quote from someone, but I'm not sure who. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. I found me. somewhere. And this girl, she's a fighter. I think I like her. :D
"Believing in fate produces fate. Believing in freedom will
create infinite possibilities."
--Ayn Rand
So I'm down to a week in Hanover and I'm terribly sad. I've had to say goodbye to several great friends. C's last night was Wednesday and tonight is R's last night. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Goodbyes are always hard.
"The beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are
untidy."
--John Galsworthy
So I am an adult. I've always suspected this, but after yesterday. After today. I know it's the truth. And I'm going to start tomorrow afresh. Tomorrow I'm going to do something different to change the world. Perhaps it's just by truly living, or smiling at a stranger, or being a shoulder to cry on, but I will be there to do it. :)
"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world
made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my
life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good
as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this
day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity."
--Dan Custer
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"The grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never dried all at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls."
--John Muir
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